Love: A Spectator Sport

so i was at lunch with the crew from the lib and zeke when suddenly what was happening on the street below became very interesting.

hammering bones

it's all quiet tonight
stars hang like teardrops
perfect in an impossible black
from the height of this place
i can see into love's strange face
promises falling around
like grenades
on already broken hearts
words hammering bones
with the consequences
that adulation brings
it doesn't get
much worse than this

pink elephant on parade

3:02am

about a month and a half ago my mom's mom died. i was in florida with my family and i remember the exact moment i got the news because i was in bed sleeping and in my sleep i heard my mother sob in the kitchen. i hopped out of bed and went and stood next to her. it was a strange moment, because suddenly i felt ridiculous in my pink underpants waiting for my mother to get off the phone to hear what was happening. i think every moment when you hear of a death is a strange, strange moment. when my father's mother died i was having a dinner party. we were sitting at the table drinking wine and eating chicken when the phone rang. it was my step grandfather, who i never really liked in the first place: "Em? This is Pop. I'm just calling to tell you that your grandmother is dead." just like that. a few months later he was gone himself. the man was a coot, i don't mind saying, but it was also a strange moment. suddenly the table cloth i had put on the table was dumb. the food was dumb.
i dunno. (segue)
so, these last few weeks, i have been waking up at exactly 3:02am. i wake up look at the clock and either turn on the tv or just go back to sleep. it's to the point now that i have started doing research on the reasons why people wake up at the same time every day on their own without the use of an alarm clock.
i asked the smartest man i know. actually, he's just a man...that is why i trust what he says...anyway, being a man, his answer was very stoical and definitive: "trauma." he said. hm...
now, i can honestly say that in my life i have not suffered trauma to the extent that it will, say, wake me up in the middle of the night at the same time every night. but i am the sort of quirky person that will wake up in the middle of the night just because that's the time i wake up, do a lap around my studio and go back to bed for no other reason than that's what i do. in my search i found that it could be that there is something that happens in my immediate area at that time that is just loud enough for me to hear, but not long enough for me to register right away. see, when we sleep we sleep in cycles of light & heavy. it could be that at that time i am sleeping lightest and whatever happens penetrates my sleeping brain and wakes me up.
i could be talking out my butt...BUT i have decided to run an experiment. i am staying up tonight to see what, if anything, happens.

it is now 2:58am and so far it is all quiet.
3am: the heat just kicked in...it's not loud at all.
it's kind of crazy to be sitting here listening to my place.
3:03am: ah but wait...the heat is getting quite loud...i see...i wonder if this happens every night?
3:06am: my experiment is complete, i am ready for summer.

just when you're sure

the other day while on my way to work, i walked past a bunch of trash cans and these boots were sitting on top. i've no idea if they were just there waiting for their owner to return, or their owner was just getting rid of them, but there they were, just hanging out.

7.35pm

So I watched this movie called "I'm Not There". It's a film about the life of Bob Dylan, but the only time Dylan's name is seen or heard is in the credits at the beginning of the movie where it says: "Inspired by the music and many lives of Bob Dylan". Really, it's an interpretation of the performer's life through his music and interviews. The characters in the film are inspire by the different phases Dyaln went through in his life up to and including his current quasi-reclusive state.
It's an interesting work that I totally suggest to anyone who asks. I would also tell them to prepare themselves to be COMPLETELY confused because of the way the film bounces around. I've actually seen it 4 times and fell asleep on it twice. Today being no different.
At the end of the film there is a quote that resonated deeply with me: "People are always talking about freedom, and how to live a certain way. Course the more you live a certain way the less it feels like freedom. Me? I can change during the course of a day. When I wake I'm one person, when I go to sleep I know for certain I'm somebody else. I don't know who I am most of the time. It's like you got yesterday, today and tomorrow all in the same room. There's no telling what's going to happen."
So, why the ferotype of Billy the Kid? I don't know. It's got character don't you think?

feelin' all right

Don't get too lost in all I say
Though at the time I really felt that way
But that was then, now it's today;
I can't get off so I'm here to stay
Till someone comes along and takes my place
With a different name and, yes, a different face

You feelin' alright?
I'm not feelin' too good myself
Well, you feelin' alright?
I'm not feelin' too good myself

this song has been on my mind for the last few weeks...

her elegance

i called my sister this morning and just about the first thing she told me was that she dreamt her teeth fell out. now, i'm not really the type to interpret a dream, but i know that falling teeth means something because of the way the subconscious mind processes the stress that may be prevalent in a conscious brain.
i looked it up.
one spin is that we live in a superficial culture where value is placed on beauty and the loss of teeth might make one less than desirable. falling teeth in that scenario could mean that the dreamer is lacking confidence in his or her looks and experiencing some sort of anxiety about their appearance.
then there's the fact that we use our teeth to bite, tear and chew and the loss of teeth could represent a sense of powerlessness that one is feeling in one's life. a feeling that life is beyond control...a feeling of inferiority. it could be a signal that one needs to assert themselves more in their waking life and that they need to believe in, and value, themselves more.
me? last night i had dream that my left ankle was really skinny and my right ankle was really fat. you know what dreaming about ankles means? it means that a person is seeking direction and support. both of which i have been looking for. i just have to ask myself...which way do i want to go...