love mug

i swear this was at the bottom someone's coffee mug!
i love hearts.

Happy Murray!

I don't know if it's me or the actual DAY but I am feeling all right.
I mean I have an undercurrent of anger there, but I am feeling OK...

Snowy Day

I woke up around 9am or so and it was snowing.
I love snow, even to just be standing there in it. Snow makes everything around you, no matter how grotty, look sparkling new.
I posted these pictures for my mother, who is from a sub-tropical island oddly enough, living in Florida, missing the north.
Enjoy!

dinner in new york

i should have taken a picture of what i looks like outside today. but i didn't.
i had a doctor's appointment today and you know i was convinced that my doctor, a cute little guy, did not particularly care for me, but i am wrong, he likes me...so i am sitting in his office, facing a window overlooking a bunch of buildings when it started snowing, big fat flakes like cotton balls being dumped over the city. i couldn't even tell the man what was going on with me because i was so distracted by it. but i did...i have an inner ear thing happening that throws me off balance and gives me the worst dizzy spells. i have muscle stiffness in my back that he says will be good after i do a couple of rounds of icy hot (which i forgot to buy today) and tylenol (because advils give me hives - go fig). he wants me to see a weightloss specialist and continue going to the gym...i guess i should be upset about it all, but i'm not. i am glad to know there is a least SOMEthing going on with me. it doesn't explain everything, but it explains somethings. it all just means that i have to take care of my heart. i can't depend on other people to be as careful with it as i am. and trust me, i am going to be fierce about protecting it from now on.
anyway what was front of me a few hours ago was far better photographic material than anything i saw. a pink cupcake. a cup of coffee. my cell phone transmitting messages from a dear one. and a good book from a new author friend. that was my dinner today.
i had a nice nyc day in december.

she goddess

they gather in the wild places
where her roots have sunk
in her honor
they strike poses
one
then
two
and heed the absolute rage
reflected in her eyes
while her roar
fills the air around them

arms stretched wide to the divine
hearts open to the sky
chanting voices
carried on the wind
they acknowledge
her great and terrible ferocity
the ultimate reality
of her creative power
to which exists no second
she is shining and brilliant
like a blue stone
hand in hand with the universe
she is held high
feared and loved
tamed by none

She
The Black One
Divine Mother
this Bringer of Change
Destroyer of Illusions
She
Goddess

Caring IS Creepy

i do happen to think that caring is rather creepy. i looked up the word and:

care (v.):
to be concerned or solicitous; to be concerned or have a special preference; to have an inclination, liking, fondness, or affection; to wish; desire.

that's innocuous enough, i guess, but taken to the extreme caring can become something else. caring can break a heart...

AH the lyrics to The Shins' 'Caring is Creepy'

I think i'll go home and mull this over
Before i cram it down my throat
At long last it's crashed, the colossal mass
Has broken up into bits in my moat.

Lift the mattress off the floor
Walk the cramps off
Go meander in the cold
Hail to your dark skin
Hiding the fact you're dead again
Undeneath the power lines seeking shade
Far above our heads are the icy heights that contain all reason

It's a luscious mix of words and tricks
That let us bet when you know we should fold
On rocks i dreamt of where we'd stepped
And the whole mess of roads we're now on.

Hold your glass up, hold it in
Never betray the way you've always known it is.
One day i'll be wondering how
I got so old just wondering how
I never got cold wearing nothing in the snow.

This is way beyond my remote concern
Of being condescending

All these squawking birds won't quit.
Building nothing, laying bricks

decafwhitechocolatemochanonfatnofoamnowhip

everyday. i have to have one of these. my friend, justine, got me started on these years ago and now i drink them in honor of her...
aw, who am i kidding??? i'm hooked!
thanks, juss!

A Friend's Fuzzy Logic :1:

I have all these friends who I love dearly and these last few weeks they've really rallied around me to help me protect and repair my heart with words, activities, alcohol and offers to do drive bys on the offenders. But I've got this one friend who is probably the wisest of them all...only she covers it with wit, modesty and just enough angst so that those that don't know her aren't aware that there is real pain behind that wisdom.
Here are a few things she said to me over the last week that made sense to me:

• Is the calm before the storm really calm, or does it only seem calm because we know what's to come?
• I'm just thinking...the silence offers nothing but the opportunity to think.
• Go fierce.

I love her!

a woman's first time

i guess i should talk about how i have started to meditate. and i don't mean the "ohm" kind, but the kind where you are quietly acknowledging that there is something bigger than you...in short, i was praying. not very long ones because it's been a very long time. plus, the silence kills me and i have no soothing sound to listen so that i don't fall into a hole.
so the day i decided to give it a try, i sat up on my bed everything was quiet, clearing my head trying to introduce a positive thought, to put out there what i wanted out of all of this when all of a sudden there was a screaming. i mean a screaming that i had never heard before in my entire life...it took me a moment to realize that it wasn't coming from outside and it wasn't coming from my mouth. it was coming from inside, in my head. it freaked me out. i just started crying trying to calm myself down, but it wasn't happening. it really was crippling and i couldn't get it to stop. even now the memory of the scream grates my insides. i just ended up a mess of tears and snot on my bed.
ever since then i have felt very brittle and tired and heavy.

out of my head

so i have a friend that stayed with me all weekend, who needed my attention and so she came over and we hung out in my city. she kept saying that she was very proud of me and my sense of direction and the way i can navigate through the city. i kept saying that it took practice for me to understand what i'm doing when i am getting around.
this particular friend and i have known each other for a very, very long time and if i were to trust anyone's opinion of me it would be her's. i trust that when i am f*cked up, she would tell me that i am...just like if i'm doing good, she would tell me that i'm OK. not that i need the validation or the rebuke, but i think at some level we all seek to have that kind of dialogue.
this time, though, she needed me to take care of her. so i did what i do, i took care of her. i made her comfortable, i was gentle with her. i made her food and alcohol, let her sleep, we talked and talked about the things that were plaguing both of us...and she doesn't know it, but doing that calmed me down. it took the pressure off me that i have been feeling for the last few months. makes me wonder if i were not put on this earth to care for people because it feels so natural for me to do it.

Harlem

it was a moody day...i spent it with a friend of mine who needed my care and my time. so i took her on a harlem hike and we ended up downtown at the xmas market. i just didn't take pictures...i will when i go again.

you could never be my man

the only kiss
my love cannot refuse
is from the tragedy of
a flawed soul
all i ever wanted
was to reach him
and for a moment
i thought i had, but
the ground
gave way
beneath me and
i tumbled into the black
and there
inside of the fall
came a light
i realized
that love
for the sake of
love
is rare
and
inside of the fall
i realized
that i am
love
sound
whole
absolute
love

***

i am still feeling crappy.
needy, tired of wanting, lonely...
this morning i woke up and did something that, perhaps, i should not have done, but i chalk it up to sleep deprivation. i was awake at 4-something am, just laying there trying to concentrate on my own heartbeat. trying to even myself out and this movie came on called "million dollar hotel". i won't say what it's about, except that i was quite taken with it.
some of the words above were inspired by that movie.

Tom Tom's Poem - from "Million Dollar Hotel"
The heart is a sleeping beauty
and love the only kiss it can't resist.
Even if its eyes lay open wide,
there is a heart that sleeps inside.
And it's to there you must be hastening.
For all hearts dream,
they dream only of awakening.

it's going to take me some time, but i know the goals i am shooting for...to find peace, to find love, to find a home.