i guess i should talk about how i have started to meditate. and i don't mean the "ohm" kind, but the kind where you are quietly acknowledging that there is something bigger than you...in short, i was praying. not very long ones because it's been a very long time. plus, the silence kills me and i have no soothing sound to listen so that i don't fall into a hole.
so the day i decided to give it a try, i sat up on my bed everything was quiet, clearing my head trying to introduce a positive thought, to put out there what i wanted out of all of this when all of a sudden there was a screaming. i mean a screaming that i had never heard before in my entire life...it took me a moment to realize that it wasn't coming from outside and it wasn't coming from my mouth. it was coming from inside, in my head. it freaked me out. i just started crying trying to calm myself down, but it wasn't happening. it really was crippling and i couldn't get it to stop. even now the memory of the scream grates my insides. i just ended up a mess of tears and snot on my bed.
ever since then i have felt very brittle and tired and heavy.
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